And so we come to the end of 2020.

2020 was such a round and even numbered year that you would hope it held good fortune for all. Burn all the fortune cookies that had that in them! Voo doo sacrifice them for a better 2021 and do a rain dance while you’re at it.

Yes, I just combined my OCD and superstition into that one.

Alright, let’s turn the corner and talk about lessons learned and do a book review.

I’m fortunate enough to work for a company that called the last week of 2020 a week off. I have spent this time with a full on task list. I didn’t even get halfway down the list. Oh well.

On that list was 3 books. I was able to finish all three books and I will share my thoughts on them with you here and follow up with a story of my own.

The three books were:

1. The Subtle Art of Not Giving a F*ck by Mark Manson

2. Woman of Influence by Jo Miller

3. Unapologetically Ambitious by Shellye Archambeau

The following is what I took away from each of these books. However, each of us will note different things in each book/story that resonates with us. So keep in mind you should consider them individually for yourself.

A few of my colleague’s panned Mark Manson’s The Subtle Art of Not Giving a F*ck but I was reminded to revisit my core values and what matters to me. This may be redundant and you may have heard it all before. But I have spent so many days, nights, weeks, months, years forgetting my north star. It is good to have a reminder to come back and revisit what makes me tick.

From Jo Miller’s book Woman of Influence, I learned about the role loyalty plays. Her exercises were thought provoking and illuminated behaviors that I had overlooked. This book was a lot of work and I was not able to complete it in a single sitting. It took me time to actively work through the exercises. Many moments, I stopped and sat there mulling over my own experience. As such, I got more out of that book. This book is written to a female audience so it may turn some men off.

From Shellye Abrameau’s book Unapologetically, Ambitious, I learned what grit looks like.

As an aside, I found myself rather conflicted on the book’s content and I had a visceral rejection of the choices she made. Her professional practices themselves are sound. I disagree with her reframing catch phrases like “work/life balance” to “work/life integration” and “sacrifices” to “choices.” I know my reaction is colored by who I am. So let me lay out the differences. Firstly, her book reads like a sales pitch for herself. Not surprising as her professional background is in sales. However, at this stage and age of her life, I was looking for a higher level narrative. Second, she talked about the choices she made instead of sacrifice but I couldn’t help watching as a third party and thinking that she made a choice while the people who stood by her were the ones that made the sacrifices. Third, if she did not plan to be present for her children, why did she have them? As an adult, her older husband had experienced life and was ready to take the beta role. That was his choice. Children do not ask to be born. Children’s early years are key for them. I have no doubt that her children will be wildly successfully not despite her but because of how she raised them. It felt like conditional love from week 5 of those children’s lives. It also felt like her choices were always about her. The whole book revolves around her getting what she wants. It sounded like she was always making up for that conditional love. I could be entirely wrong as I’m reading this from my perspective only. As for the work/life integration, I dislike not being wholly present for whomever I am engaging with at the moment. No one likes to be the one who can get some time with you as you are focusing or trying to accomplishing something else. It’s demeaning. Also, for us introverts, some of the advice in this book is not for you but she doesn’t outline that because both her and her late husband were wildly extroverted. They take the extraverted personality and capitalized on it. If you are an introvert, those avenues are not right for you. As you can see, my values differ a lot. I will temper this final portion by saying that I’ve noticed many successfully CEO’s are what I refer to as complete assholes. If they are nice people, the company does not succeed. From a personal standpoint, I prefer to the work for the assholes because they will do what is necessary. That doesn’t mean I agree with their methods, choices, or sacrifices. Such is the paradox of my life.

Shellye’s book stories her rise as a professional lady against all odds. She clearly documents her early years and how her home experience forced her to practice grit. She had sponsors in her teens. She’s super smart. She had a vision and her execution was pretty damn good. Unfortunately, I don’t know how many of us have such clear visions or an upbringing that supports such execution. Many years ago, I read that the average person changes careers 7 times in their lifetime. I’ve done that at least twice already now. I have to work through what I refer to as my personal puzzle boxes of my own psyche in order to even reach a somewhat coherent vision of what I want from life. Add on top of that, the personal practice of learning grit is in constant conflict with this first world life of immediate gratification. As you get older, you confuse your wants and needs. Those wants and needs further fight for your attention. In this way, I feel age works against you. When you are young, you often do not have these competing needs and wants because ignorance is a blissful state where there are fewer competing priorities. I remember those days well and I remember being able to commit my whole self physically, mentally, and emotionally. This is where Shellye starts her story and it’s also where she loses me. I realize I cannot follow her path because I have so much personal growth, maturity, mental practice that I have to do to achieve a state where I can execute as she has. If anything, it’s instructional for me in how to train my children. My children will be the primary beneficiaries of my extensive life experience.

Speaking of life experience, let me tell you a story.

It is the story of where I get my energy to get things done. It is not conventional. Most of you will never have faced what I’ve gone through. It reminds me of elements from both Mark Manson and Shellye Archambeau’s books.

I tell this story not for empathy, as it has never been told before. I want you to think back in your life and remember the moments that defined you the most and ask yourself why. I want you to find inspiration in yourself. Others can be a model but only you can be your own hero.

I was 24 years old (only a few years ago :D) and I was a traveling consultant. That day, I was at working a branch of Harley Davidson. The Oakland California store in fact off of Hegenberger Road. I remember sitting in the GM’s office working on his computer. I had to walk through the garage in order to get to the back office and that day, they were working on the CHP’s motorcycles. The CHP decals were laying everywhere – on the tables, on the floors, and half on the bikes themselves. There were about 6 bikes in various stages of completion. So cool.

I worked at so many of the Bay Area Harley Davidson branches that the Livermore Harley Davidson crew swore they were going to get me on a bike. Maybe a softtail. I thought they were out of their mind. Can you imagine me – all of 5’4″ and a buck twenty behind some hang bars?! I bought a Harley Davidson cooler which they gave me a discount on. I still have it. But no bike. Don’t @ me.

Anyhow, I’m sitting at the GM’s desk when I get THE CALL from my doctor’s office. I have a tumor in my neck. There was no telling whether it was malignant. I would have to do a biopsy. If it came back malignant, I was to start treatment immediately. Surgery, radiation, chemo. The whole enchilada.

I was alone. I had just dumped my boyfriend of 6 years. I had no brothers or sisters. No close family. I’m going to exclude my dad. The man’s a little odd. I didn’t even have a dog or a cat. No debts, no houses. Nada. Nothing to tie me to this world and nothing to keep me. No one would miss me.

With that frame of mind, I went in for the biopsy.

For those uninitiated to the fun spectacle of a needle aspiration, I’m about to enlighten you.

Since the tumor was in my thyroid, they would have to perform the biopsy using what is referred to as a needle aspiration. This consists of taking a VERY long steel needle that is about 2 or 3 times the diameter of a regular needle and pushing it into your neck. The needle itself was about 6 to 8 inches in length connected to a metal gun like handle that resembles a nail gun. Yeah, real inspiring. Wanna hear the fun part?

You are always awake for these procedures. There is NO anesthesia beyond the surface skin. You are not given anything to relax. You HAVE to have confidence in whomever is pushing that needle in your neck since they are navigating between your aorta and your windpipe LIVE. Yeah, it’s just like the flu shot. Not. And for those of you that think you don’t feel anything beyond the surface, you’re wrong. It hurts. A f*cking lot. You can’t scream – the needle is next to your windpipe. You certainly can’t move a single muscle. I did give the death stare at whoever was doing it. Through the tears.

Good news – it was not malignant.

Bad news – wasn’t malignant this time. I would have to repeat this procedure in 3 months time.

In fact, I lived that way – 3 months at a time FOR 7 YEARS. If at any time those biopsies came back positive, my life as I knew it would be over. I was already warned in the beginning that I was not likely ever to bear children if that came to pass.

Living a life 3 months at a time is a different lifestyle. I basically had a 3 month contract on life. That put my life into an intense focus. What mattered to me? What do I want to have done if things went bad? What do I want out of life? If you’re exiting this life, what would you do first? Is getting the laundry done really more important than calling an old friend? I started questioning a lot of things. In 3 month sprints.

For each of us, we would chose to do different things. Some of us would drink into oblivion. Others would buy material happiness. Still others would travel about the world. And when you have done all that, what is left?

I cannot answer that for you. I can only tell you that I chose to define success and life as what I chose it to be. Not someone else’s life or story.

For me, it turns out I wanted the traditional experience of having someone by my side. That choice alone began a journey, a singular path that helped determine my presence today. I’m happy to still be here by the grace of today’s modern medicine. But it was not someone’s story that came into focus when it came time to make my own decisions about my next moves. It was my own mortality that inspired me to never look back when I made my choices.

Let your life be your inspiration for your next moves.

I’ll see you all in 2021!